Who Sportcasters are Really Talking About When They Blame the Gun

People are up in arms because sportscasters are blaming the Kasandra Perkins murder not on Jovan Belcher, but on the gun.  However, I don't think people understand what's going on here.  They aren't really talking about Belcher.  Oh, no--they're thinking about their target audience--the couch potato American.  You know, the people who would be too lazy to kill anyone if it weren't for guns. 

Think about it:  How many times does the average American actually get up an walk to the TV to change the channel?  There's their target audience (pardon the pun). If it doens't involve point-and-click, is it really worth the effort?  For that matter, how many average couch potatoes would be able to do the job properly if it involved gross motor skills (LARPers and Walking Dead fans, aside, of course.)

What should really scare us is when they start making personal weapons shaped like X-Box controllers:  A-A-X-B-click-click-downlever and that's the last time you'll ever hide the remote from me!  Talk about population control--not only will we cut the population of people who, well, move, but the remaining won't have the interest or energy to breed, especially if the next upgrade to HALO comes out anytime soon after.

Hey, remember the personal phasers in Star Trek?

They Knew!

So I say, let's get behind our wise sportscasters.  Gun control is not enough!  We need to implement a stringent program on all hand-held devices that might pose a similar danger.  (Laser pointers are all fun and games until someone's blinded.)  This is just the first step, of course.  Next, we need to keep all Americans soft and lazy so they don't turn to energetic violence.

TVs and X-box in every home--and a laptop with mandatory Facebook.  I'm sure there's a study somewhere showing a link between reposting images captions over photos of cats or sunsets and a reduction in the propensity to exert effort on physical mayhem.

Write your congressman!  No, better yet:  Google for a form letter to e-sign.  Less work that way.