My Novel's Journey: Mind Over Matter--what I hope to get from my critiquers

Mind Over Matter is off to my crit crew, which is usually a few trusted readers who are also good writers, plus a couple of folks who volunteer.

There's a difference between a critique and an edit that a lot of folks don't get. Edits are very specific and are usually corrections rather than suggestions. Naturally, finding typos constitutes and edit. Going through a manuscript and picking out all the passive voice, is IMHO, an edit. Edits also are focused on what is wrong in a story.

Critiques are more general and broader reaching--comments on voice, point of view, plot progression and the like. Sometimes, these combine with edits, like if a critiquer points out an instance of head-hopping. (That's changing the point of view from one character to another in the middle of a paragraph or scene.) Critiques also focus on what's right. So a critique might sound like
"I didn't believe Joshua's motivation when he..."
"You mentioned this fact four times. We get it already!"
"This is an intense scene!"
"I love how you..."
"You do really well when you ____ in this scene; I'd like to see you do more of that in _____chapter."
"This flashback threw me out of the story; could you rewrite it in realtime and put it earlier?"

I'm not looking for a line-by-line, because I'm not ready for that, and I also do pretty well with that on my own. However, I'm hoping I can get some good feedback on the book as a whole.

My Novel's Journey: Neeta Lyffe, Zombie Exterminator: Format Fun

The fun thing about writing a parody of television is that you can play with the different formats the entertainment industry employs. Woven in with "living" scenes of Neeta's experience, I have blogs from her trainees, forums from the fans, even snippets from the radio. Today, however, I'm talking about documentaries.

Advantages: The documentary "The Zombie Syndrome" by Gary Opkast (writer for the reality TV show Zombie Death Extreme) has been a great way to weave in background information without the character Q&A. By scripting video clips with narration and interviews, I'm able to tell the reader about my world without telling them about my world.

Disadvantages: I'm going to need to brush up on my scriptwriting format, then decide how much to adapt it to narrative so I don't lose my reader. Also, I'm not always interested in the actual script as much as a portion--like my interview with Dr. Hansen. I've also got the challenge of making the visuals interesting enough while staying true to the minimalist format.

Here's a little from The Zombie Syndrome, which Gary is writing in the book:

Footage from movie of human ducking the swinging arms of a zombie.

NARRATOR: and the idea that they are slow to react? You can't count on it, as Darwin Award Winner Henry Stephens demonstrated.

ROY STAPLES, DARWIN AWARDS CHAIRMAN in his office. Pan room of different news articles of people dying stupid deaths, focus on "Man, 19, loses game of zombie tag; returns on the other side." As STAPLES speaks, segue over to video footage of 2019 AFEHV Winner.

STAPLES: Stephens and a couple of his frat brothers got drunk and decided it would make a great entry for America's Funniest Exteme Home Videos, the Danger Edition if they filmed a couple of them playing tag with zombies. After eating a garlic-and-anchovie pizza, they donned necklaces made from used sweatsocks they stole from the university football team and headed to the local cemetery, danced on a few graves, and managed to wake the dead in true FRAT fashion.

Stephens' partner in the game, Ed Grisson, developed stomach cramps and bowed out, saving his life. Shortly thereafter, Stephens tagged a zombie on the shoulder and dashed away--but not fast enough. The zombie, former quarterback for COLLEGE, tackled him and bit his neck through the sweatsocks. Stephens lost the game of tag, but he did win the 2019 Darwin Awards for using his stupidity to remove himself from the gene pool.

My Novel's Journey: Neeta Lyffe, Zombie Exterminator: Format Fun

One fun part of writing a novel is experimenting. In Neeta Lyffe, Zombie Exterminator, I've had a lot of fun playing with formats aside from the standard narrative. Today, I'm going to cover the radio show.

Neeta and the Zombie Death Extreme contestants get interviewed on K-RTH, one of Los Angeles' radio stations, and the DJ will become Neeta's love interest for the book. I thought it'd be fun to actually have the show playing rather than always experience it in narrative from Neeta's point of view.

Advantages: Once again, it's shorter, and I don't need to worry about peripheral information like where people are sitting, what the station looks like, etc. Since I'm trying to keep this fast moving and funny, that helps keep my pace.

Disadvantages: Radio is about voices, so I have to make sure my cues for who is talking, when someone is joking vs. being serious, etc. are all done without visual cues, but I don't want to make it sound like a script. Also, radio employs a lot of sound clips--bits of music, taped sound bites, etc. that I need to weave in without confusing the reader.

This is from Brian and Cassie in the morning interviewing Neeta. Brian is more the straight man; Cassie is happy-go-lucky. See if you can tell them apart, and tell who Neeta is as well.

"That's great! We have just a minute before weather and traffic, and we'll get you that website. First, though... I don't want to be a downer, but I've got to ask you. You've had a lousy run of luck lately, Neeta: your mother died, you got sued, now this thing with Jorgenson--"

"--oh, yeah, poor Jorgie! He was such a hottie, too--"

"--so why do you do it? What makes you want to keep fighting zombies day after day."
"... I... Well, someone has to do it. People will die otherwise. Die and come back. I know what I'm doing, and frankly, I'm good at it. I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't do what I could."

"Wow. That's so... wow."

"Yeah. You're amazing, Neeta. I mean that. I'm glad you're out there protecting us.
"We'll be back to talk more with Neeta and her trainees after our K-Earth's own Roger Tellerman gives us the low-down on the low front coming our way. Roger, give us some cool news."

My Novel's Journey: Neeta Lyffe, Zombie Exterminator: Format Fun

For Neeta Lyffe, Zombie Exterminator, I'm playing with different venues for imparting information. Since the whole thing revolves around a reality TV show, I'm mimicking real life reality TV (Is that redundant?) by including some of the things they have--from candid interviews to commercials. Today, I'm going to share with you my experience writing a forum.

I used the forum format in order to foster a discussion about Neeta's financial problem and how it's affecting others' views of her and the show. I chose this way because I didn't have to give a lot of explanation, I could bring in a few opinions without introducing more main characters, and I could foreshadow a swell of support that will help her solve her problem in the end.

Advantages: It's fast and pithy, gives me the ability to bring in many sides to an argument, introduce some tangents in a place where readers expect tangents, and gives me a chance to parody current society.

Disadvantages: It's tough to format. I may have to work with the publisher on actually making it look like a forum, though I think that would be fun. Also, I didn't want to list all the entries, so had to create the equivalent of "..." Coming up with usernames was actually hard, too. However, I put out a call on Facebook and got all kinds of great ideas.

Here's a little bit of the forum dialogue:

BrainDeadHead:
500,000 dollars?! He sued her for FIVE-FREAKING-HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS?!?!?!?!?! For a little yardwork, a retractable awning and some paint?!

LOL on the GPC Redundancy, by the way. Government never should have bought out that computer company. Did you know the guy used the profits to make his own orbiting hotel? I want a reality TV show on that!

Trolll:
Its not just the damage, stupid. He was having a party for his cliants. She tramatized them and now he's loosing business. Its obvious none of you have any idea how the real world works, so go bak to waching your stupid tv.

I wuldn't feel to sorry for Neeta, either. Shes probably raking in the dow on this show. Wonder if she gets jorgies cut?

Spla77r64:
Sorry, got to chime in with Trolll here. I caught parts of the trial on TV. He did show that he lost a significant number of clients after the incident. Loss of clients=loss of income. I know she was doing her job the best she could, but she should have had more help, contained them faster, something. It was a botched job.

MANIC_MIND:
Seems to me he's losing clients (not loosing, btw) because they're questioning the judgment of a man who would serve pickled beets and blue cheese dressing at an outdoor party on a hot summer's day when he lives so close to a cemetery. Not to mention the fact that he actually thought his electric fence would keep them out. Frankly, he's lucky they hadn't invaded his home earlier, like at night when his family was sleeping. Besides, don't you think the zombie invasion was traumatizing enough? It would certainly turn me away!

Spla77r, it's easy to armchair-quarterback. If you followed the trial, you'd know she was the first to answer the 9-1-1 call, which didn't come until after they crossed his fence, even though people saw them approaching beforehand. By the time support arrived, she had taken them on, single-handedly.
Like someone said, hard core.

My Novel's Journey: Neeta Lyffe, Zombie Exterminator: Format Fun

Normally, I tend to write in the 100,000-word range, but I want Neeta Lyffe to be shorter and punchier, so I'm playing with ways to impart information that are quick and fun. Since I'm parodying reality TV, I'm adding in a lot of different communication tools: video blogs, documentaries, and forums. Over the next couple of entries, I'll share what I've learned about each. Today, we'll start with video blogs.

Like a diary entry, a video blog can give quick insights into someone's thoughts. However, since the characters are blogging for reality TV, they can also snipe, complain and backstab at a distance without having to deal with the immediate reactions of others.

Advantages: I can focus on the person without worrying about the group.

Disadvantages: Introducing that this is a video blog gets monotonous. There are only so many ways to say it.

Here's a clip from Roscoe, one of the contestants on Zombie Death Extreme:

Back in his trailer, Roscoe leaned back in his computer chair and turned on the webcam. After checking his hair in the image projected on his screen and mashing his lips to give them more color, he set it to record. "Okay, so LaCenta said it first, and she was a totally out of line for saying it when she did, but honestly..."

He leaned in close, sharing a secret. "...we were all thinking it."

He checked the file, saved it and uploaded it to his Zombie Death Extreme blog.

"And then there were five!" He wove his fingers together and moved into a yoga stretch.

Oh, gawd, was there any high better than surviving another episode?