Monday, October 24, 2011

The Zombie Workout DVD

Welcome to the Zombie Workout DVD! I'm Roscoe, and I’m sure you saw me on Zombie Death Extreme. If not--where have you been? No matter. You're here now, and we're going to get your body moving, your heart pumping--and teach you a little about zombie defense while we're at it.

First, I want to congratulate you on your purchase of this video. The Zombie Syndrome is now, and it's not just in someone else's back yard. We don't know what causes some people to come back and others not to, so until we have an immunization, it's your responsibility to protect yourself. But you know that, so get off that couch--come on, up you go! Let's start with a good pat on the back.

Reach back with your arm and pat. We're so proud of you! Pat, pat…and now the other arm. You're going to feel so good when this is done--and safer, too! All right, now reach back with both hands and pat yourself on the butt. Oh--did you do that? You naughty people. We are going to have so much fun!

Let's roll those shoulders… Remember, you should never start a rigorous exercise regimen without first checking with your doctor. Moving to the wrists… If you've not exercised in a while, start easy. Now roll the ankles… If you feel any discomfort in the chest or pain anywhere in your body, slow down or stop, and see your doctor. I know the thought of a shambling hoard is a great motivation, but remember: I can't climb through the flatscreen to do CPR--much as I love mouth-to-mouth. Now shake it out. Work it!

Of course, the first line of defense against a zombie is to run screaming. Unless the zombie was an athlete in life, you can probably get away. So let's warm up with a light jog. Seven, eight… Now toss your hands up and scream! Good! Jog…and scream! Keep that pattern while we listen to a few words about zombie defense from one of my favorite people--Neeta Lyffe, Zombie Exterminator! …and scream!

Hi, I'm Neeta Lyffe, and I am a professional zombie exterminator. When the dead rise from the grave, it's my job to put them back. I'm certified and licensed to re-kill, and no one should attempt my job without proper training. However, in a pinch, there are ways you can defend yourself should you encounter a zombie.

The first thing to remember is that zombies are reanimated copses. Nothing more. Much as you want Aunt Sadie to come back to life, that is just a shell--and she wants to eat your brains, not pinch your cheeks. They are corpsicles. Animated rotting meat. And you should fear them.

Nearly all zombies have two things in common: they are attracted to meat and repelled by cleaning products. In addition, zombies have instincts ingrained by how they lived their lives. Use that. If you recognize that corpsicle as your former chain-smoking boss and you have a pack of cigarettes handy, toss them as far away from you as you can, then run.

Roscoe will have more tips for you. But remember: If you suspect a zombie is in your area, the safest thing you can do is call 911, arm yourself with Windex, and get to a safe place if you can.

…and jog and scream! Everybody march now. Wasn't Neeta divine? We're going to start with an easy basic--the 911 call. Put that imaginary phone in your back pocket. Ready? Reach and dial-9-1-1! Reach and dial 9-1-1.Now with the other hand--ambidexterity can save your life! Good! Let's up that pace! Reach and dial! Now back to the first hand. You can do it.

OK! We're warmed up and now we're taking it up a notch. It's time for some dashes. We're going to practice running to the window and throwing it open. First, let's work on the motion. We want to be sure we check the area for more zombies before we jump. Look before you leap! Still marching, right? Good! Now, reach down, look around, grab and lift! Reach down, look around, grab and lift! Keep it up--the corpsicles are coming! Reach down, look around, grab and lift! If you have a side-sliding window, reach sideways, but don't forget to look-see. Reach down, look around, grab and lift!

Fabulous! Now, we're going to combine these three into the window dash. When I say, "go!" toss you hands in the air and scream, make that 911 call and head to the nearest window, reach down, look around, grab and lift. But don't go jumping out just yet--we have 30 more minutes of body-building and life-saving exercises that'll tone you up your body and keep your brains safe.

Ready? GO!

By the 2040s, zombies are a part of our culture--and if you think the Zombie Workout is something, catch Neeta Lyffe as she and her partner take on an infestation in a Korean restaurant in "Wokking Dead," in The Zombie Cookbook, an anthology by Damnation Books. And be sure to look for Neeta and Roscoe, along with the rest of the cast and crew of Zombie Death Extreme, in Neeta Lyffe, Zombie Exterminator, coming December 1 from Damnation Books. If you like Karina's humor, check out all her books at . In the meantime--reach down, look around, grab and lift!

* This is actually my sister, Regina Koske. Isn't she beautiful? And tough--definitely the Neeta Type. I'm so glad she posed for me.

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