Thursday, October 31, 2013

Mary Poppins Explains Werewolves and Zombies



I got very silly a couple of months ago and thought about writing a novel or play, Mary Poppins: Zombie Hunter.  Of course, I'd have to include songs, and they are the best part.  Here, Dr. Poppins and Bert explain to the children how werewolves and zombies came to be:

SuperLupineViciousGenomeSequenceThat'sContagious

SuperLupineViciousGenomeSequenceThat'sContagious
It's a thing that you should know
In all of its four stages
If you try to tell your friends
They'll think that you're outrageous
SuperLupineViciousGenomeSequenceThat'sContagious

When I used tobark to speak when I was just a pup
My master game my nose a tweak and told me to shut up
Then one day, I learned a word that saved my aching nose
The biggest word you've ever heard and this is how it goes!

SuperLupineViciousGenomeSequenceThat'sContagious
It's a thing that you should know
In all of its four stages
If you try to tell your friends
They'll think that you're outrageous
SuperLupineViciousGenomeSequenceThat'sContagious

Jane:  But it's just seven words strung together!
Poppins:  Don't be impertinent, Jane!

When you're going through Stage One, it really hurts a lot
But when you've movedon to Stage 2, the agony will stop.
That is when your mind explodes and joins the gestault
You're not alone!
The world's your own!
Your former life is naught.

SuperLupineViciousGenomeSequenceThat'sContagious
It's a thing that you should know
In all of its four stages
If you try to tell your friends
They'll think that you're outrageous
SuperLupineViciousGenomeSequenceThat'sContagious

In Stage 4 the danger lies, so listen carefully
We react to telepatic powers differently
Some will grow while others will so badly atrophy
Their brains will fry and they will die and come back a zombie.

SuperLupineViciousGenomeSequenceThat'sContagious
It's a thing that you should know
In all of its four stages
If you try to tell your friends
They'll think that you're outrageous
SuperLupineViciousGenomeSequenceThat'sContagious

You may wonder why we saved Stage 3 for the very last
Here you'll see the signs of whether your friend will live or pass
Cludy eyes and rashy thighs that you think are bad
Show the body well at work improving what it had, so

SuperLupineViciousGenomeSequenceThat'sContagious
It's a thing that you should know
In all of its four stages
If you try to tell your friends
They'll think that you're outrageous
SuperLupineViciousGenomeSequenceThat'sContagious

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Real-World Weight Loss: Backsliding

 Well, it looks like I backslid this month.  It's mostly diet.  I've been hitting the sweets more, and with the coming of the cold weather, I'm wanting warm breakfasts like pancakes.  No excuse, of course, just something I need to be more aware of before I put things into my mouth.



15-Jan 25-Oct
total loss





weight 169 146
23 lb dec
body fat 38.5 28.6
9.9 dec
chest 38.7 34.6
4.1 dec
bust 41.1 37.8
3.3 dec
waist 39 34.8
4.2dec
hips 42.8 38.1
4.7 dec
abs 42 38
4. dec
thigh 22 22.2
.2 inc
calf 15 14
1. dec
bicep 11.6 10.9
.7 inc
forearm 10 9.4
.6 dec
neck 15 13.9
1.1 dec
Total loss


23.5  inches




I can feel it in the fit of my pants, but I'm still better than when I started in January. So, I promise to get back onto healthier eating, but in the meantime, here's a little something I was inspired to write during Tabata week:




Caught in Tabata Class

To the tune of "Bad Romance":  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVnSV6jvraE

Oh, caught in Tabata class
Oh, caught in Tabata class

Moan, moan, moan and groan
Moanmoan, moan and groan
Moan, moan, moan and groan
Caught in Tabata class

Moan, moan, moan and groan
Moanmoan, moan and groan
Eight more sets to go
Caught in Tabata class

I know I’m chubby, I want to get thin
I want to tone my butt and stop jiggling
I need a gym
Gym, gym, gym, I need a gym

I’m tired of panting from climbing the stairs
There’s only eight of them, I keep drawing stares
This can’t go on
On, on, on, this can’t go on
(Gym, gym, gym, I need a gym)

You know the fat bugs me
And I want to be hunky
I need your class, Tabata class

For twenty second I can push myself hard
You and me caught in Tabata class
We rest ten second, then we do it again
You and me caught in Tabata class

Oh, caught in Tabata class
Oh, caught in Tabata class

Moan, moan, moan and groan
Moanmoan, moan and groan
Five more sets to go
Caught in Tabata class

I’m running hard now; you’re making me sweat
I’m lifting weights, gonna get stronger yet
I’m in the gym
Gym, gym, gym, I’m in the gym

Have I gone psycho? I think I see lines
There in my muscles, and it’s about time
I’m getting fit
Fit, fit, fit, I’m getting fit
(Gym, gym, gym, I’m in the gym)

Hey, I’m losing inches
with body fat shrinkage
('Cause I'm working out, baby)
But it still hurts me, this Tabata class

Oh, I’m so achy, tell me when does class end
You and me caught in Tabata class
But we keep running as we plot our revenge
You and me caught in Tabata class

Oh, caught in Tabata class
Oh, caught in Tabata class

Moan, moan, moan and groan
Moanmoan, moan and groan
Two more sets to go
Caught in Tabata class


Run, run, fitness, baby
Work it, move those feet, crazy
Lift, lift, fitness, baby
Pump it, lift those weights, crazy
Bend, bend, sit-ups, baby
Move it, twenty seconds, crazy
Exercising, baby
Later, get a donut, maybe

Burning calories, from beginning to end
Let’s cut the fat; it don’t wanna be friends
Gasping for breath, when does this session end
Ten second rest, then we’re staring again
(Oh, caught in Tabata class)

Let me just catch my breath
(Oh, caught in Tabata class)
I feel so close to death
Don’t like my jiggle!
(Oh, caught in Tabata class)
My fat just wiggles!

But when it’s over and I’m breathing again
You and me in a Tabata class
I’m sore but happy, and I’ll come back again
You and me in a Tabata class


(Oh, caught in Tabata class)
I skinny pants fit
(Oh, caught in Tabata class)
My new shape’s a hit
(Oh, caught in Tabata class)
So tired, I could spit


Moan, moan, moan and groan
Moanmoan, moan and groan
Moan, moan, moan and groan
Caught in Tabata class


 

Monday, October 28, 2013

Halloween Treat: Excerpt from FRIGHTLINER



 
The Friday night Reba walked out on Daniel, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky and stars were scattered about like fat, yellow jewels, fighting with the nearly full moon for dominance over the blackness. It was the new pickup that did it. She’d worked overtime at the hospital--weeks and weeks of it--to make the down payment on a new trailer. And then he’d gone out and bought a new Chevy pickup! It was the last straw.
“I didn’t sign on that thing,” she told him as she packed. “You can pay for it yourself.”
“No problem, Babe,” he answered right back. But she knew he was bluffing. He didn’t really think she’d stay away for good. They’d only been married two years and mostly they still liked each other pretty much.
And, she told herself, as she drove off in her beat-up Honda, he was probably right. She might come back. But not right off.
She stopped at a diner and called her sister in El Paso. Told Melanie she was on her way, invited herself for the weekend. She didn’t want to give up her job as an aide. Not for Daniel’s sake.
It was some drive from Roswell, where she had lived these past two years, and she was too mad to check the gas tank. She was thinking about her things she had packed--more than one weekend’s worth--and what Daniel was doing right now--probably drinking and driving around in the new pickup. Maybe he’d get a DUI. She thought about that, smiling a fierce little smile and, about six miles from Carlesbad, she ran out of gas.
She said a word her mother wouldn’t have liked, and coasted the car to the side of the road. She checked her cell phone, found it dead, too, and said a few more words.  She’d have to wait for a cop or something, she guessed, and reached back to make sure all the doors were locked.
But no cop came. The moon shone steady and without concern and, no doubt, the constellations moved on their busy way across the sky, but only a couple cars went by and nobody stopped. She wasn’t sure she wanted them to.
She was just resolving to get a car charger for her cell phone as soon as she got to her sister’s when a semi pulled up behind her. Weird. She hadn’t seen the lights in her mirror, hadn’t heard a thing. But it had lights. She saw them for a moment before they were turned off.
Her father had been a truck driver and she had no illusions about knights of the road stuff. He had beat her mom, cussed at the neighbors and finally jackknifed a semi in the middle of Atlanta, killing himself and doing in a load of chickens along with a sports car and part of a street sign.
Still, maybe this guy would be okay. After all, he worked for a company and he would want to keep his job. He wouldn’t try anything funny--or if he did, it would be the sort of funny stuff she could handle. In fact, she thought, maybe a bit of funny stuff was just what she needed. She waited for her rescuer to get out of the truck.
But nothing happened. The semi sat there, seemingly parked for the night, lights off, black against the radiant sky, like a big rectangle cut out of the world.
She grew more and more impatient. If only someone else would drive along! But no one did and she was growing downright chilly in her shorts and belly shirt. It’d been hot earlier that day and she’d been--well, that didn’t much matter now. At least Daniel’d gotten a hint of what he’d be missing out on. Tentatively, she opened her door, wincing as the dome light came on. Surely the driver could see it from the truck. He would know that someone was in the car.
Of course that was why he had not come out to check on her, she thought with a surge of relief. He probably thought it was an abandoned car. But now--she stepped out onto the gravel, hearing for the first time how loud the crickets sang. She smelled the strong scent of the cooling air. Too early for snow. Too warm, still anyway, though she cursed herself for not thinking to put on jeans before making her big exit. She peered at the cab, but nothing moved.
“Hello!” she called, moving closer. She could not make out a logo on the truck. It was dark, dark paint. She had an impression that the shape was--not wrong exactly, but not usual. It was an older model, she decided. An old truck.
She had reached the door.
“Anyone there?” she called, hesitating to step up and look inside. What if something had happened to the driver? What if he were dead? What if she opened the door and a body spilled out onto the road?
But that was silly. He had just pulled up. Probably he was rummaging around in his berth for some tools.
But what if he was dead? What if she took hold of the door and--and what if he was right there, watching her?
She had almost decided to go back to her own car. But the thought of the semi parked behind her, silently cutting its chunk from the sky, was in some strange way even more frightening than opening the door. She reached up for the handle and pulled herself up level with the window.
The handle turned in her hand.
It was then she knew she had done the wrong thing. If only someone else had come--she prayed for someone else. A cop. Even a car full of good old boys. Anyone.
The crickets fairly screamed their shrill and mindless song, the scent of the Russian knapweed was overpowering. But it wasn’t strong enough to hide another smell, a dark earthy smell. A smell of death mellowed by long usage.     
The door opened.
Reba froze, clutching the handle, balancing there with the driver’s seat in front of her. She tried to speak, to call, but nothing would come out. She hung there, thinking of death, while the night passed and the stars moved and the moon looked in over her shoulder. Finally, she climbed into the truck.
“Daniel,” she whimpered. She was ready to forgive the new pickup, but it was too late. Something moved in the back and she turned in the driver’s seat and saw a pale face, caught in the moonlight, eyes gleaming. She had an impression of lank hair, grizzled beard. And then two hands reached up to take her shoulders and she saw the mouth open.
She screamed at last, drowning the noise of the crickets, drowning the beating of her heart, the wrenching sounds of her own dislocating joints as something drank its fill, savaging its prey, ripping--
When she knew she was dying, she ceased to scream. For one awful moment, she looked into eternity and then, remembering some scraps of childhood religion, she tried to pray. With a final snarling rip, the thing tore out her throat and cast her body out onto the road.


Thursday, October 24, 2013

If Mary Poppins Arrived During the Zombie Apocalypse

I think she'd sing a song something like this:




(spoken)
In each undead we must put down
An element of fun is found
You find the fun and whack!
The undead don’t come back

(sung)
Those who spurned the undertaker
We will send to meet their maker.
A lark!  A spree!  It’s very clear to see that

A shovelfull of kickass makes the zombie hoard go down
The zombie hoard go down, the zombie hoard go down
Just a shovelfull of kickass makes the zombie hoard go down
In a most exciting way!

A man who’s defending his nest
As very little time to rest
While taking out the shambling undead.
Though he’s knee-deep in their gore
He’s ready to take on more.
He knows to stop would be death of Pop

And

A shovelfull of kickass makes the zombie hoard go down
The zombie hoard go down, the zombie hoard go down
Just a shovelfull of kickass makes the zombie hoard go down
In a most exciting way!

(Interlude, courtesy of Walking Dead—much gunfire and people screaming as they do something stupid and pay fatally for it)

Intrepid moms that fetch the food
From the ransacked grocery stores
Always go well-armed and cautiously
‘Cause as they’re filling up their packs
A zombie could sneak ‘hind their backs
And hence (Look out)
They find (Oh, no!)
Double shots work fine

Aaaaaaahhhhhh!  Whew!

‘cause

A shovelfull of kickass makes the zombie hoard go down
The zombie hoard go down, the zombie hoard go down
Just a shovelfull of kickass makes the zombie hoard go down
In a most exciting way!