My writer's journey: Starting Fresh

Last week, I came to the conclusion that I'd make my writing success too high a priority in my life.  God called me to be a wife and mother, and I've let what should (for now at least) be a hobby consume my time and energy beyond what it deserves.  So the question is, what to do now?

Well, many of you probably won't be surprised to learn that my first goal is to cut the clutter.

I have a lot of writing clutter--promises to other writers, reviews to request, follow-ups to pursue, interviews to apply for...  My to-do list last Thursday was 125 items long, some of the tasks nearly a year old.  It's like the closet where you stick stuff in case you need it someday.

So I resolved to do no more writing until I had killed that list fully.  I have read books for endorsements, critiqued stories, followed up on marketing leads, and sent replies to friendly business e-mails that I flagged to do when I had more time. 

I also followed up on submissions that have been sitting on editors' desks.  Mot of these were second follow-ups and had been sitting for six months or more.  I've decided to do a 3-3-3 method from now on:  follow up once in 3 months, a second time 3 months later, and count it a loss at 9 months.  I need to face facts: if my stories were so impressive, they would not languish so long.

I prepped review requests for all my books and have them in the drafts folder to send out one a week.  Once I've cleared the backlog, I can start sending them out as they happen.

I also deleted a lot because they'd been put off too long, or I found with my new attitude that I didn't have the time or energy to pursue them in light of what I figured are the returns.  In the past, I was willing to try a lot of new things; now, I'm going to be more particular.

This was not an easy process.  Sometimes, I shed a few tears when a task would remind me again of how I have not achieved the sales success I'd hoped to.  But with those tears and the accomplishment or deletion of the task, I healed a little.

I'm down to 27 tasks, some of which I cannot handle because they need to be addressed in later months, and some of which are writing opportunities.  My parents are visiting this week, so I'm holding there to hang out with them and do some household tasks.  (Monday, I'll tell you about the chair we reupholstered for Liam.)

My Writer's Journey: Tired of Busting Butt. So what now?

*Whine Alert.  Grab some cheese before you read on.*

"Karina, you do great work...but people don't believe it."

I was a first lieutenant in the Air Force when my supervisor told me this.  Twenty-two years old, working hard and apparently producing great work, but nonetheless, for the most part, I did not have the confidence of my chain of command and my coworkers that I could actually do the job--even when the fruits of my labors were there for them to see.

I still remember my first reaction--to get upset.  My second was to ask my commander, "And what are you doing about that?  Because I am doing good work and busting my butt for this organization."  However, the Major was being sincere and seemed frustrated over it, too. Plus, he was a Marine, and you don't whine or demand entitlements of a Marine.  Besides, I was an officer--give me a problem and I'd handle it.  So I said, "Okay, why, and what do I do about it?"

"I don't know," he replied. 

It's 23 years later, and I find myself having the same conversation.

I am a very good writer.  I write tight prose and fast-moving, complex plots.  People love my characters.  My humor can make people laugh out loud in public and even spit out their drinks.  And this isn't me bragging--this is what I get told by folks who have read my work.  My novels and anthologies have won popular and judge-based awards, and have four or more stars on Amazon.  My publishers tell me I'm one of the hardest working marketers they have--and more than one has hired me to teach the basics to their other authors--which I do well.  Even when I've asked for help, I get the same advice I'm already following.

And yet...  My Amazon rankings are low.  My sales are low.  My blog and website hits are low.  I work hard, do the same kind of things other more successful authors do, and even with high-quality work, my books are not thriving. 

Karina, you do great work...but people don't believe it.

When it comes down to it, that's why I'm tired of writing.  I love writing, but I'm tired of working so hard to create great books and to promote them, yet to achieve so little in terms of readership.

I left the active-duty Air Force in 1993 to stay home to raise our first child.  I have to admit, much as I wanted to be a stay-home mom, some of it was because I was tired of working hard and yet not getting the recognition commensurate to my work.  I didn't enjoy the Air Force that much.

However, I love writing.  I've never had such fun or felt such satisfaction as I do when creating and polishing a story.  But I'm tired, tired, tired of busting butt for such small returns.  And it's not even the money, per se.  We're financially well-off; money is a measure of success and readership--though I do feel I should at least get back what I invest.

 So, now I'm back to the question I had asked my commanding officer nearly two decades ago:  "Okay, why, and what do I do about it?"

My Writer's Journey: Taking time to ask WHY

Thanks to all the folks who commented on my blog and Facebook with encouragement, suggestions and kind words.  It seems many of us face this issue at one time or another, so I am going to blog now and again about my thoughts and experiences as I do some self-examination regarding my writing career.

First, some clarification and reassurance:  I am not going to stop writing.  I do love sharing my stories.  And I am not in a crisis of faith, or even a life crisis, nor am I depressed or overstressed.  I have a wonderful marriage, terrific kids who are smart, compassionate and well-behaved, and a comfortable home.  Rob earns a good income.  We're all healthy.  I have wonderful parents, a great sister, and a terrific mom-in-law and sis-in-law.  Plus, I obviously have caring and supportive friends. And true, Rob is deployed for the year, but he's in a safe job and we've done this before; plus technology means we have plenty of contact.  So my feelings about my writing career are probably 25 percent of my feelings about life--significant enough that I need to address them, but not significant that it's ruining my quality of life.  So, while I appreciate all the prayers, please don't worry about me.

That doesn't erase the fact that I do feel discontented, and I need to face those issues head-on.  I wrote Thursday's blog on Tuesday.  Afterward, I found an old journal I never filled, and started using it to record my thoughts.  I start with a page of freewriting, then ask myself a question, many of which I got from reading articles about midlife crisis and career change.  It's actually been an illuminating experience.  Many things, I already knew, but not as clearly; some things I was surprised to learn.  I'm also clarifying my areas of weakness.

In my readings, I came across this:  The young adult asks, "What should I do with my life?"  The midlife adult asks, "Why am I doing this with my life?"  That really speaks to me, because it's not that I don't love what I'm doing.  Writing is what I feel I should be doing with my life (or at least part of it).  But I haven't examined the "why."  Instead, I filled that with goals and expectations, easy answers, and maybe even what others think "success" means. 

"Why" is the Big Question, the end goal.  These past few days, I've been laying the groundwork--thinking about what I love and hate about writing, examining my strengths and weaknesses.  Once I have a better idea of where I stand, I can then determine where I really want to be--not where ego or outside opinion says I should be.

Have you ever stopped to examine "WHY" you do what you do?