Well, it's been a long journey of introspection and soul searching. I've journaled, talked with friends, done some reading, asked myself hard questions. In some ways, I don't feel I've made any life-changing conclusions, but perhaps all I needed was a nudge into a new direction.
For those who haven't been following--I took a 6-week vacation from writing and marketing in June, but when we got home in July, I found myself unmotivated to write, even the stuff I wanted to write. it's not writers' block as most folks think about it. I had lost the joy of writing, kind of a mid-life writer's crisis, if you will.
As I journaled about my feelings and expectations, I recognized that I was frustrated by my low readership and sales, not so much for the money but for the recognition of a job well done. I also confronted my feelings about marketing. And I thought hard about the kind of person I want to be--and what kind of person God expects me to be.
The fact of the matter is,writing is a small part of who I want to be, yet it's taken the biggest part of what I do. I have an obsessive personality, and I have too often let writing and marketing consume me at the expense of my more "mundane" roles of wife, mother, even housekeeper. Perhaps if those efforts had paid off in bestsellers, I could justify them. However, they have not, and my frustration lies in the fact that I've sacrificed in those areas for minimal returns to my writing career.
As far as God's call for me--I just can't see that He would Call me to write funny SFF with puns, innuendo, and occasional puerile humor. I don't think He minds; He may even approve--but a Calling? Even if my books were best sellers, they aren't that significant.
And yet, I had made them too significant.
So, now I have a better idea of where my writing belongs in my life, and it's not in the forefront as it is right now. It's going to need a change of focus, of attitude, and of planning. I'll be exploring that next week.