Mini Review: Attack of the Drooling Shapeshifters by David Kaftal

Summary:  Under the guise of retro science fiction, Attack of the Drooling Shapeshifters is in fact pitch black humor dipped in vitriol. With something to offend almost everyone, it is a thinly disguised assault on liberalism, feminism, "new age" religion, freemasonry, the new world order, and one or two other festering sores on the contemporary human psyche. It also has scary monsters from outer space, hippies and good ol' boys, lesbian goddess worshippers, and a cameo appearance by Bigfoot.

Mini-Review:  I had a wonderful Saturday reading this book, often laughing out loud.  It's got cliches pulled to the extreme (which you know I like) and targets everyone from rednecks to hippies to aging scientific geniuses to lesbian amazons.  The story moved quickly, and had a somewhat happy ending.  (The heroine isn't too pleased, but to say more would be spoilers.)  I enjoyed the shapeshifting aliens, especially the one who played with his food--and paid dearly for it.  (Never antagonize a modern woman in high heels.)  If you are sensitive about someone blasting away at anything Politically Correct, then this is not for you.  Otherwise, it's well worth the read.

Buy it on Kindle:  http://www.amazon.com/Attack-Drooling-Shapeshifters-ebook/dp/B00CMP8USU

The Ending

I'm just getting home from a great vacation with Rob and the kids, so today, I present you with a song parody for writers!

Sung to Tomorrow, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PzL8aL6jtI

I'm thinking about the ending

'cause you know I'm almost to the ending

And it's such fun

All the plot twists and bendings

I'm resolving now to reach the ending

What a great run!

The ending, the ending

I love you, the ending

You're only 10K away

I'm working on the ending

Through  the long path that I've been wending

There's the sun!

I'm dreaming about the ending

Will it be funny or heart-rending

Or both in one?

The ending, the ending

I love you, the ending

You're only 5 K away

I'm almost to the ending

The characters their good-byes now are sending

To everyone

And when I've reached  the ending

A victory I'll feel here with the ending

Oh, yes,  I've won!

The ending, the ending

I love you, the ending

You're only 1 K away

I've written those words, "THE END"ing

Can't believe I've come now to the ending!

At last it's done.

Except for critiques

     And editing

           And rounds of submissions

                   And rejecting

And new books to come!

The ending, the ending

I love you, the ending

You're only 80K away!

(big finish)

The ending, the ending

I love you, the ending

You're always a book away!

You Should Be Writing

I'm taking June off to go to Virginia and Disneyworld with the family before Rob deploys, so today, I present you with a song parody for writers!

To You Should be Dancing, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSbRDnYctL8

 

My novel moves at midnight

Goes right until the dawn

My hero takes me higher

My villain keeps me warm

What you doin’ on your plot?  Ahhh

What you doin’ on your plot?  Ahhh

You should be writing, yeah

Writing, yeah

It’s juicy when there’s trouble

I give it to them good

That creative power

Goes right down to my blood

What you doin’ on your plot?  Ahhh

What you doin’ on your plot?  Ahhh

You should be writing, yeah

Writing, yeah

What you doin’ on your plot?  Ahhh

What you doin’ on your plot?  Ahhh

You should be writing, yeah

Writing, yeah

(Keyboard instrumental here—clacka clacka clack)

My novel moves at midnight

Goes right until the dawn

My hero takes me higher

My villain keeps me warm

What you doin’ on your plot?  Ahhh

What you doin’ on your plot?  Ahhh

You should be writing, yeah

Writing, yeah

(Repeat—since lyrics don’t have to keep progressing like narrative)

(Keyboard instrumental here—clacka clacka clack)

 What you doin’ on your plot?  Ahhh.  (Repeat 11 times…or better yet, get off YouTube and write!)

It's Submission Time

I'm taking June off to go to Virginia and Disneyworld with the family before Rob deploys, so today, I present you with a song parody for writers!

Sung to Celebration, http://youtu.be/xvX_5ym_ajI

It’s submission time
come on ! - Let's celebrate

Go, submit this time
come on ! - Then celebrate

There's a party going on right here
submission party that lasts throughout the year.
So bring your stories and your novels, too
celebrate when your submitting is through!

Come on now

celebration

let's all celebrate and have a good time

Go submit them!

Then we celebrate and have a good time.

It's time to get it together
it's up to you
watch your pleasure

(when) everyone around the world
reads you!
Yahoo!


It’s submission time
come on ! – It’s a celebration

Go, submit this time
come on ! - Then celebrate

You gotta send that story tonight
then celebrate
it's all right

Gotta believe your story is tight
let's celebrate
it's all right
baby
You gotta send that story tonight
then celebrate
it's all right

Gotta believe your story is tight ( Celebration )
let's celebrate ( Celebration )
it's all right
(keyboard solo) Yeah-hoo!

It’s submission time
come on ! - celebrate

Go, submit this time
come on ! – You deserve a celebration

Come on and celebrate - tonight
'cause everything's gonna be all right.
Let's celebrate
Go submit this time
come on

She's a Maniac (on the Keyboard)

I'm taking June off to go to Virginia and Disneyworld with the family before Rob deploys, so today, I present you with a song parody for writers!

To Flashdance--She's a Maniac.

Just a small town girl on a Saturday night
Plotting out the fight of her life
In the real-time world no one sees her at all
They all say she’s crazy

Locking phrases to the beat of her heart
Changing adverbs into verb
She has written into the danger zone
Where the plotter becomes the plot

It can cut you like a knife
If the gift becomes the fire
All the while you’re crafting
What will and will not be

She’s a maniac, maniac on the keyboard
And she’s typing like she’s never typed before
She’s a maniac, maniac on the keyboard
And she’s typing like she’s never typed before

On the prose-filled line of sanity
It’s a place most never see
It’s a hard-won place of mystery
You can read it but can’t hold it

We write our all our lives for that moment in time
It can come or pass us by
It’s the reader’s choice but there’s always a chance
If the hunger stays alive

There’s a cold creative heat
Struggling, stretching phrases sweet
Never stopping
With her fingers on the keys

She’s a maniac, maniac at the bookstore
And she’s typing like she’s never typed before
She’s a maniac, maniac in Kindle’s store
And she’s typing like she’s never typed before

Keyboard solo-clacka clacka

It can cut you like a knife
If the gift becomes the fire
All the while you’re crafting
What will and will not be

She’s a maniac, maniac on the keyboard
And she’s typing like she’s never typed before
She’s a maniac, maniac on the keyboard
And she’s typing like she’s never typed before

My Novel's Journey: Gapman: Getting back on the horse

It seems oddly appropriate that with the Avengers movie coming out, I would finally be starting my own superhero novel, Gapman.  Like Live and Let Fly, Gapman is a spoof set in the DragonEye, PI universe.

Ronnie Engleson, a mild-mannered entertainment reporter, visits the set of a superhero play happening in Faerie, where he falls into a vat of magically created toxic waste, gets bitten by a radioactive pixie, and is struck by lightning while crossing the Interdimensional Gap.  The next day, he wakes up with superpowers.

Superpowers, of course, do not always mean super-effectiveness, and Ronnie wrecks a lot of havoc trying to do good for the city of Los Lagos.  The Chief of Police finally calls in Vern to catch the superpowered pain-in-the-behind, but Grace has a better idea.  Someone has put out a contract on Vern and she thinks a superhero could be the back-up he needs.  She convinces Vern to train him instead.  So Vern is stuck with a superpowered pain-in-the-tail for a padawan.

Things are heating up in Los Lagos between the Mundane Purists and the Faerie.  When the secret leader of the Pure Humans comes to town just as the Faerie Pope makes his first historic visit, Vern and his new padawan discover a conspiracy to tear the city apart--and Faerie-Mundane relations with it.  Can Gapman hero-up in time to stop a raging tide of bigotry from destroying his beloved city?

This is an off-the-cuff summary, as you can tell, and reflects my pantster nature.  The characters have not fully revealed their intentions or the evil plot.  (No supervillain this time; Gapman needs time to train up.)

My first challenge this time is simply getting started again after a long break of not writing fiction.  In February, I finished Old Man and the Void, and then had to stop to prepare for the Catholic Writers Conference online and the Live and Let Fly book tour; then I edited Neeta Lyffe 2: I Left My Brains in San Francisco, and polished Old Man for crits.  So it was nearly three months before I started Gapman.  I had about 9000 words from a previous start, plus scenes I'd played with in workshops.

First, I read the scenes and start to familiarize myself with the characters.  Then I got some cards and brainstormed more scenes.  I thought it might push me into knowing the book, but after adding a few, I felt like I was shooting blindly, so I stopped.  I finally reverted back to the old standby: BICHOK.  (Butt in Chair, Hands on Keyboard.)  I had to make myself just write and trust the characters to lead me.

So far, that's working.  Ronnie led me to his first super-hero adventure (in which he gives a guy a concussion, messes up evidence, and gets Vern and Grace in trouble) and gave me a new angle on the evil plan.

Here's a snippet from that scene.  Ronnie doesn't have a superhero costume yet, and is using a tarp as a cape. (It was raining.)  Vern and Grace are at the police station getting grilled by Detective Vialpando after the adventure:

I wondered briefly if that's why the guy I saw was hanging around.  There was something weird about that bum, but I couldn't put my claw on it.  As a result, I didn't mention him to Vialpando.  Thorough detective he was, he'd probably go find the guy and rough him up for answers he didn't have.  Vialpando stayed just enough on the side of lawfulness and good that he stayed in Captain Santry's good graces, but he was a bully at heart, and lately, he'd been pushing it.

"And that's what I don't get," he voice, though level rang with accusation.  "You say they kidnap the retarded redcap kid--some kind of gang thing, you said--"

"That's what Jose thought, and the boys are Real Humans," Grace replied with insufferable calm.

Vialpando exploded out of the chair and slammed his hands in front of her.  "Then why the hell are the only injured people some John Doe, the three Real Humans on the floor and another kid up on the balcony?"

Grace didn't even blink at his outburst, although her tone took on just a bit of scolding.  She'd battled demigods and demons--and more to the point, had taught Catholic school.  "Perhaps asking them would produce some answers?"

"Maybe when the kid from the balcony wakes up, I will.  What'd you do to him, Grace?  I've got a specialist that says he was knocked back twenty feet and slammed into a concrete wall."