More Twisted Fiction--

I'm in a silly parody mood, so here's what I imagine would have happened if the Great Classical Authors had written really bad Biblical fiction:

"It was the best of times, it was the End of Times." (Tale of Two Cities - Charles Dickens)

"Call me Saved." (Moby Dick - Herman Melville)

"On an evening in the latter part of May a middle-aged man was walking homeward from Shaston to the village of Marlott, in the adjoining Vale of Blakemore or Blackmoor...and then he wasn't." (Tess of the 'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy)

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune--after giving his 10 percent to the church, of course--must be in want of a wife." (Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen)

"1801--I have just returned from delivering The Watchtower to my landlord--the solitary neighbor that I shall be troubled with." (Wuthering Heights - Emily Brontë)

"You don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain't no matter. I's saved now and repent of my evil ways. This book is concerning my missionary year on the Mississippi and the souls I done brought to Jesus." (The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn - Mark Twain.)

"I was leaning against the pew in the Congregationalist Church on on Fifty-second Street, waiting for Nora to finish her Christmas shopping for the orphans, when a girl got up from where she had been kneeling with three other people and came over to me." (The Thin Man - Dashiell Hammett)

"It was about eleven o'clock in the morning, mid-October, with the sun not shining and a look of hard wet rain in the clearness as the Four Horsemen came galloping over the foothills." (The Big Sleep - Raymond Chandler)

"Mr. Sherlock Holmes, who was usually very late in the mornings, save upon those not infrequent occasions when he was up all night, was seated at the breakfast table reading his Bible and preparing his witness for Sunday Meeting." (The Hound of the Baskervilles - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle)