The Zombie Exterminator novels take place
in 2040, a time of manure-based fuels, Global Fattening, and the shambling
undead. For your pleasure, I present to
you an excerpt from I Left My Brains in San Francisco, in which we learn
about the latest in zombie fighting technology.
"Kelsey Gardenberger here with Ron Potter on the DoCam, and we are the Zomblog. We are at the ZomZeitgeber Expo floor, talking with Expo Man. Hello, Expo Man!"
The fully suited, helmeted android twisted its head and said in a purposely mechanized voice, "Hello, Kelsey Gardenberger. Hello, Zomblog viewers." It raised its hand in a stiff wave.
Kelsey laughed. "As you can see, Expo Man is running Retro Animation 2 for Animatronics. You can download the freeware version by clicking the link on the sidebar. Expo Man is also modeling the latest in extermination wear. Expo Man, can you tell us what you have?"
The android paused while it whirred for a programmed one-point-five seconds; then it replied in a voice more reminiscent of the still running The Price is Right. "That's right, Kelsey! I am sporting the essentials for the well-prepared--and well-dressed--exterminator. Starting with my head, I have a Motomania's Apocalypse 2000. Sturdy and lightweight, with the latest in night vision--and an optional visor wiper!"
It touched a button on the side of its head and a small windshield wiper swiped the faceplate while cleaning fluid flowed from the top.
"Perfect for removing zombie gore--or when motorcycling through the foggy mornings of San Francisco! Motomania's Apocalypse 2000.
"My HazMat suit, courtesy of Sausalito Professional Wear, is a durable yet ecologically friendly blend of natural rubbers and synthetic polymers, combined with nanite technology. Designed by Exterminator Outfitters' Edmund Acolyte, two-time winner of the International Golden Scissors, it moves like a dream while removing the bulkiness of most HazMat suits. Nonetheless, it's also packed with pockets--front, back, hips and thigh--for easy access to those wonderful thrown distractions that the cunning exterminator uses--plus a Velcro-sealed pocket for your car keys. Attractive and practical--that's Exterminator Outfitters.
"But no amount of headgear or suit safety will save you if your feet aren't protected. That's why Go-lashes, Inc. has come up with their best footwear since the Stomp. The Treads live up to their name, with even heavier, longer-lasting soles and improved arch support. The redesigned sole provides an extra spring in your step. Whether stalking the undead or running away like a ninny--better Tread than dead!
"Of course, you won't be running away if you're armed with the latest in extermination technology! Let's begin with the ranged weapons."
The Ghostbusters theme, remixed by ZombieRoulette for the Belching Dragon Flamethrower Company, played out of Expo Man's chest as he reached behind his back and pulled out the nozzle of the flamethrower. "You know who to call! And when you need to take out a large group of zombies fast, there's nothing like good old-fashioned firepower. The Belching Dragon series of flamethrowers has long been a favorite among exterminators, and this latest model is sure to please. The Mark 9's longer nozzle contains plasma rifling to ensure a more targeted stream, while Belching Dragon's patented turbos provide extra thrust, increasing flame distance by up to five feet without sacrificing accuracy. The onboard breeze meter is married to the computer to automatically adjust the plasma rifling to compensate for wind. When the shambling undead threaten your territory, it's time to call in the Dragon."
As the theme music died out, Expo Man returned the flamethrower to its slot and raised its arm to show the tubing attached to its wrist and elbow.
"The power squirt gun has long been a standby in zombie extermination, but with Squirz, they'll soon be a thing of the past. Why deal with bulky plastic when the automatic, air powered Squirz attaches neatly to the arm, yet sends a stream of your favorite zombie repellent up to twenty feet? With a simple switch, you can set it from stream to spray. The flexible plastic liquid containment pouch, or LCP, fits over the hips and across the back, allowing most operators to carry up to five gallons without strain."
Expo Man reached into his belt and pulled out a short cylindrical hilt. He waved it around as he activated the switch in a classic Star Wars move. A thin line of light unfolded from the hilt.
"Also new on the market, but becoming a fast favorite, are the monofilament swords. Here's the Highlander Original. Note the ergonomic design of the handle and easy-access thumb switch for turning it off and on. The VEB, or visible electronic beam, that surrounds the blade has five standard color settings--or download your own favorite color. Who says exterminators can't be fashionable? Remember: when the head must come away from the neck, you need the Highlander."
Expo Man whirred to a stop with a polycarbonate smile at Kelsey. She returned it with a plastic one of her own. "Um…no chainsaw?" she asked innocently, although she bit down on the sides of her lips in hidden mirth.
Expo Man straightened. "I'm sorry, but after the Craftsmaster Demonstration Fiasco of 2046, animatronics have been forbidden to handle chainsaws in public areas."
Kelsey pursed her lips in a sympathetic pout. "Of course. Thank you so much, Expo Man. Would you like to sign us out?"
"I thank you, Kelsey Gardenberger." Expo Man turned toward the camera. "This is Expo Man at ZomZeitgeber 2047, and you are watching the ZomBlog."
Purchase links:
Neeta Lyffe,
Zombie Exterminator : http://amzn.to/hTqMGa
Find out about all of Karina Fabian’s books at http://fabianspace.com
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