Pandarus' Valentine's Day Massacre
Los Lagos, CO--Thoughts of romance turned to terror today as what shoppers thought was a store display cupid came to life and started shooting mall patrons. Pandarus, a Faerie cupid, was subdued by mall security personnel and has been charged with assault with a deadly weapon, resisting arrest, disturbing the peace, and distribution of a magically psychoactive substance.
Pandarus had apparently been hanging around the display window of Isabella's Secret at the Los Lagos Mall, unnoticed by the staff or patrons eager to shop for an extra surprise for their holiday celebrations. "I thought he was just part of the One Hour-My Spicy Valentine sale display," said assistant manager Dana Kline, as she rubbed her arm, where one of the heart-shaped arrowheads struck her, and leaned against her husband Jed Kline, an employee of Pretzelmakers across the hall.
At 6:45, as the store swelled with anxious shoppers flipping through lacy underthings and squabbling over the last Size 14 babydoll nightie, Pandarus is said to have positioned his bow, shouted, "Let Love In!" and pelted patrons with arrows.
The screams and subsequent stampede alerted Roy Alberts, mall guard and his partner Katie Robbins. They subdued Pandarus after a brief altercation.
"Roy caught him. He was so brave!" Robbins said, with a heavy sigh. Alberts, blushing, insisted he could not have snagged the cupid by his ankles if Robbins hadn't distracted the archer at just the right moment.
"And she took a shot. For me! We're such a great team," he said.
Although at least ten patrons--including Robbins and Alberts--claimed to have been hit by cupid's arrows, none needed medical attention, and in fact refused medical care in order to return home to their spouses, or left with another patron, lacy underthings forgotten.
"I have done a good thing here!" Pandarus is said to have shouted as he was carried off. "You will thank me! I have brought you a happy Valentine's Day!"
Pandarus was on his way back to Faerie Greece after a being filming a commercial for the Venus and Eros online dating service. He is being held without bail.
POLICE BLOTTER: Jed Kline, 25, and Dana Kline, 24, were arrested and charged with indecent exposure at Isabella's Secret changing room. Mrs. Kline was found under the influence of a cupid's arrow and declared not guilty, but Mr. Kline, who was not struck, was fined $150 dollars.
Robbins and Alberts: Katheryn (Katie) Marie Robbins and Roy Manuel Alberts announce their engagement and summer 2013 wedding plans. Robins is the daughter of Rae and George Robbins of Raleigh, NC.